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32 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • June 2019 ages & stages WRITTEN BY PAM MOORE When My Kid Says "I Hate You" "I hate that vest! I'm not wearing it!" "I hate going to the grocery store!" "I hate you!" My kids, especially my five-year-old, utter "the H-word" more often than I'd like. When I hear it, my chest tightens, my jaw clenches and I have to force myself to take deep breaths. If I know one thing as a parent, it's telling kids they aren't allowed to use a certain word is an excellent way to ensure they use it as much as pos- sible. Research shows kids are 11 million times more likely to do the thing they've been expressly told not to do. And by research, I mean my own informal studies performed totally unscientifically using my own children as subjects. But the main reason I haven't banned the H-word is I want my kids to be free to express themselves, whether it's about a vest they'd rather not wear or the kind of mother they wish I was. When they act like little dictators, they're not trying to drive me crazy. They're trying to tell me something. Says Kate Orson, Hand in Hand parenting instructor and author of Tears Heal: How to Listen to Our Children, "When a child says 'I hate you!' it's like they are waving a red flag saying, 'Help! I'm not thinking well! I need connection with you and some help with my feelings.'" According to Neuroscience That Doesn't Make Me a The power of listening as a means of fostering connection is stronger than many of us realize. But listening takes time and patience, after all. And who wants to listen to a kid's angry outburst? Many of us have been told the best way to extin- guish our children's undesirable behavior is to ignore it. But in Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges, authors Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore, M.A., use neurobiology to flip that notion on its head. They explain that in order for kids to engage their prefrontal cortex, which allows them to think well, they need to feel connected to an adult or caregiver. Just below the prefrontal cortex lies the limbic system, the brain's social-emotional center. The limbic system is responsible for interpreting body language, tone of voice and all kinds of other cues that determine whether we feel safe and connected with the people around us, anxious and afraid, or any- where in between. According to Wipfler and Schore: When your child feels connected and protected, her limbic system can do an important job: It can coor- dinate communication between all parts of her brain. It opens access to her prefrontal cortex, so the reasoning center of her brain can hum. Connection "turns on the lights upstairs."… Through no fault of your own or anyone else's your connection with your child will break often. When she feels threatened, frustrated , or when another feeling floods her system, she loses her sense of connection. Shazam! Her prefrontal cortex shuts down. She literally can't. So when my kid yells "I hate you!" she's already feeling disconnected from me. In my experience, disci- plining, yelling at or ignoring her only escalates her behavior. This is consistent with Wipfler and Schore's work, which suggests that my negative reaction causes further disruption of our con- nection, which results in her impaired ability to engage her prefrontal cortex (i.e., her ability to "behave"). I'm not saying my daughter's occasional hateful outbursts don't hurt my feelings. On good days, they sting. On bad days, they make me wonder if I've ever done anything right as a parent while I hide in the bath- room with the shower turned on to muffle the sound of my sobs. But understanding the vital role of con- nection in brain function makes it easier to step back, take a breath and listen to the feelings underneath the ugly words. Why Listen How Does Connection Influence Thinking? I Let Her But the main reason I haven't banned the H-word is I want my kids to be free to express themselves, whether it's about a vest they'd rather not wear or the kind of mother they wish I was. When they act like little dictators, they're not trying to drive me crazy. They're trying to tell me something. Says Kate Orson, Tears Heal: How to Listen to Our Children you!' it's like they are waving a red flag saying, 'Help! I'm not thinking well! I need connection with you and some help with my feelings.'" PUSHOVER