Issue link: https://fredparent.uberflip.com/i/674359
www.FredParent.NET • 17 Don't expect the miracle of temporary sibling detente to seep into to the pre- and post-camp hours, though; as soon as you and your partner are back in the picture, conflicts are likely to rear up all over again. To counteract this—and not only in the summer months—Los Angeles mom Abbie Schiller, founder of the parenting site The Mother Company [http://www.themotherco.com], rec- ommends attempting to minimize power struggles before they even get off the ground. And to figure out how you might be unconsciously keep- ing them going. "One of the things our generation was told was that our parents loved us the same," she says. "That's a mixed message. Children are inherently differ- ent and when you tell them you love them the same, you set them up to constantly try to catch their parent in an inequity: 'You gave him two hugs!' But if you set it up that you love them differently, they stop looking for a tit for a tat; you eliminate competition." Lemke says you can downplay siblings' inherent competitiveness by getting them to work together to reach a common objective. Each time you see them engage appropriately in a shared activity, reward them with something like a marble. After they've accumulated 20 marbles, the whole family gets to go out for a special dinner, or a trip to a water park. "Having a goal helps you direct their behav- ior, rather than just crossing your fingers they'll act appropri- ately," says Lemke. "But I tell parents, for this to be successful, they're going to have to be very creative and catch the small behaviors. If your kids are walking through the door screaming at each other but one holds the door for the other, and the other one walks through calmly, ignore for a moment the bickering and say, 'That was really kind of you to hold the door for your brother like that, and great job walking through the door with- out shoving.' Once you start rewarding them both, they realize they can get attention that way, and they have a common mission." Much as you might all desire it, working parents don't always have the luxury of taking time off in the summer months. But this doesn't mean quality family time is out of the question. Says Schiller, "You can combat the attention needs of your kids by giving them special time as often as possible." Adds Lemke, five min- utes of concerted, present time without you checking your phone for messages, is preferable to 20 minutes of distracted time. Let your child decide how to use your minutes together—snuggling, reading a book, doing a puzzle; then do the same for your other children. Says Schiller, "This makes them feel secure and lets them know you have enough love in your heart to go around." Lemke adds, those concentrated minutes of together time will really add up: to a summer in which each child feels reinforced, and reassured, and successful—posi- tive that will hopefully see you through well past Labor Day, into autumn and beyond.