Fredericksburg Parent

10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • October 2023 ask mom ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child-rearing issues —one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@gmail.com M A RY Daughter Won't Do As She's TOLD; Illustration by Suzanne Johnson WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND ERIKA GUERRERO THE PROBLEM: My daughter (she's 11), will never do what I tell her to do. I'm not particularly demanding, but if I ask her to set the table for dinner, she says "OK," then nothing happens. I typically have to cajole her to get something done, and when she still doesn't move, I end up threatening her with some kind of punishment. At that point I'm usually yelling, and it's a pretty bad scene. I'm sick of this. I've gotten to the point where I do things myself rather than go to battle with her. There's a lot of tension between us because of this. MARY SAYS: It's hard to tell what's going on here. Your daughter may be annoyed by the interruption, she may be passive aggressively 'punishing' you for something, or she may have an issue with her ability to stay focused. Your daughter also may be unable to comply due to a biological/emotional ability to do so, in which case she may need an extra dose of understanding and patience from you. Regardless of what's bothering her, you can still address the behavior in a way that's respectful to both of you. The first step is to get her attention. Let's say she's reading a book, and you need her to fold the laundry. Begin by asking her to put the book down and look at you, then ask her to take care of the laundry. Now here's the hard part. Because your daughter has a history of saying "yes"— then proceeding to ignore your request—tell her calm- ly that the laundry must be folded now. She has not yet earned the privilege of waiting until she finishes a chapter before completing the task, because it's a privilege. Mom SICK OF IT ... she is a contributing member of the family, and she no longer has the right to opt out whenever she pleases. If you thought your daughter was annoyed before, she's definitely not going to like this! But explain to her she's a contributing mem- ber of the family, and she no longer has the right to opt out when- ever she pleases. Scheduling chores on one's own time may be earned, but first, she needs to demonstrate the ability to respond as soon as you ask. Once you've established a new routine, you can ask her if she's ready to make her own decisions about when to tackle a job. Then let her! The key is to agree on a deadline. The first couple of times your daughter may slip into old habits, so you'll want to immedi- ately go back to the "do it now" routine. In almost no time at all, unless there's truly a biological component to her inability to get tasks done (ADD, for example), you will be delighted to find that when you ask your daughter to take care of something, you can consider it done.

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