Fredericksburg Parent

10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • July 2023 ask mom ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child-rearing issues —one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@gmail.com M A RY Divorce Makes Daughter ANGRY, Illustration by Suzanne Johnson WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND ERIKA GUERRERO THE PROBLEM: My 14-year-old daughter blames me for divorcing her father. I guess that makes sense (because I did), but I assure you I had good reasons for doing so. Since I don't want to make ex-husband out to be the bad guy, I avoid putting him down in front of her. She can't understand why I would break up our family, when 'Dad' is such a sweet guy. She says she never thought she would come from a broken family, and now here she is. I don't think I need to tell you how guilty I feel about this, even though I am con- fident I did the right thing. I know there is no easy answer, but ideas would be helpful. MARY SAYS: It would be one lucky parent who raises a child without feeling guilty about something. (Who me? I did everything right. My perfect kids are now perfect adults, all thanks to me.) Clearly, it's a matter of degrees, and even then, it's how you perceive it. In other words, another mom might feel completely different about this. So, let's start with how that 'other' mom might feel. Maybe she sees herself as freeing her daughter from the bondage of unhappy par- ents. Her daughter is now free to think clearly when she makes choices about her own life partner, rather than falling into an old, conditioned pattern. (Or rebelling against that pattern by choosing an opposite but equally destructive one.) Maybe that same daughter will come back to her mom later and say 'thank you' for letting her have healthy, if separate, relationships with mom and dad. Someday, that angry teenage girl might remember how her mom refused to disparage her father, no matter how painful the relationship had become between said parents. Can you believe this storehouse of lifelong gifts comes straight from the few sentences you wrote? This leads me to believe there are many, many more treasures in there, and if you simply write them down, per- haps you will see them, too Mom Gets the BLAME By writing them down, you will also be able to articulate them, especially with your daughter. Tell her that intact families can also be 'bro- ken,' and that you are choosing a healthier way to live for all of you. Without burdening her with too many intimate details, describe how relationships can falter, sometimes beyond repair. By separating, you are offering your family a path forward, one where the people in it can send each other on their way with forgiveness, respect, and a heart full of best wishes. It would be one lucky parent who raises a child without feeling guilty aboutsomething.

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