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www.FredericksburgParent.NET 11 E R I K A ERIKA SAYS: Sweet mama, my heart goes out to you! I'm recently divorced, and I know from experience it's not a place I ever planned to be in. Divorce doesn't only affect husband and wife; the end of your marriage is as painful for your daughter as it is for the two of you. While my son wasn't as old as your daughter, my divorce impacted him greatly. In my case, I wasn't the one who asked for a divorce, but I still felt tremendous guilt that our separa- tion would be part of his story. I agonized, knowing he would now be a statistic, coming from a 'broken home.' I'm almost two years post-divorce, and every exchange, every holiday, every "first" stings. When my son returns from his father's, he cries at bedtime and it sends me down the rabbit hole of guilt. While his grief doesn't look like anger, he does act out in age-appropriate ways. I can choose to let it send me to that (awful) place, or I can choose to rise above the obstacles and model resiliency. The best thing you can do for your daughter is show her how to bounce back up when life knocks you off your feet. It's possible your daughter is not actually angry with you, but that she is hurting and grieving. By lashing out, she is processing the loss of the only thing she's known as 'fam- ily.' Although my son doesn't have memories of us all living together, when he got old enough to realize our dynamic looked different than that of his peers, he began to question why his father didn't live with us. He was saddened by not having us both in the same home. He didn't like having two homes—he felt somehow deprived. So, what could I do? I simply allowed him the space to feel his feelings and hear his heart's cry. Creating a safe space for my son to share his pain gave me the opportunity to show up for him; it also created a bond between us as we healed together. When your daughter has questions, it's OK to explain your choice to end your marriage without providing too many details. In addition to an honest explanation, let her know the divorce is not her fault. Reassure her that your love—and her father's love—for her won't ever change, even if things aren't amicable between the two of you.Friction between you and your ex- husband can make your daughter feel like she has to choose between her parents. Protecting her from this conflict—and not speaking ill about her father—is the best thing you can do for her. My divorce was not a pretty one, to say the least, but in front of my son, I treat his father with respect. I continually encourage their relationship, regardless of my feelings towards my ex, because at the end of the day, he hurt me, not my son. I teach my son to honor, respect and value his father for who he is and what he brings to my son's life. The most important part here is allowing your daughter to be angry so she can continue to move through the grieving process. Giving her the freedom to feel her pain will lead her to a place where she can begin to heal and adjust to a 'new normal.' Because life will begin to feel normal again. I promise. Every healing moment in this journey will provide you the freedom, joy, and hope you need to move forward. Continue to offer grace, forgiveness, and resiliency and your daughter will begin to do so, too.