Issue link: https://fredparent.uberflip.com/i/1498231
10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • May 2023 ask mom 'NO', ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child-rearing issues —one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@gmail.com M A RY Daughter Won't Accept Illustration by Suzanne Johnson WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND ERIKA GUERRERO THE PROBLEM: My 8-year-old daugh- ter won't take 'no' for an answer. Every time I don't give her what she wants, she starts negotiating with me. She's never rude or whiny, and she doesn't beg. She just follows me around, hammering with me all the reasons I should change my mind. The conversations are civil, but they always make me feel like I'm defend- ing myself; she can be pretty aggres- sive with her tactics: talking fast, loud, not listening. I am embarrassed to admit, sometimes I cave in, just to get out of the conversation. Any ideas? MARY SAYS: Congratulations. Your daughter has begun to master the art of negotiation. While her tactics may be those of a child (ahem, she is one), she knows how to show up with confidence. She is adept at using her voice to express her desires, which tells me she has never been silenced by the people she loves and trusts. Way to go, Mom. You've raised your daughter well. Now, for the next step. Truly skilled negotiators shouldn't have to rely on aggression to get their way, even though it often works. Given time, this form of negotiating can turn into manipulation, which is how you're feeling when your daughter hammers you until you say 'yes.' It's time to teach her how to negotiate with the other person's well- being in mind. Heart-centered negotiation involves listening, under- standing, and compromise. At the tender age of eight, your daugh- ter needs to be taught how to listen. The next time she asks you for something you don't agree to, gen- tly tell her 'no' and tell her why. When she comes back around, ask her to repeat what you told her. If she resists, ask her again to do so. And again. Then again. Keep going until she can demonstrate she heard you. But most likely, it won't end there. She'll be up for many more rounds; in which case you must ask her EACH TIME to repeat what you said. Your job will be to discipline yourself to resist defending your decision. Simply ask her to tell you what you've told her as many times as it takes. Your daughter has detected a weak spot in you, one that may show up for you in other relationships as well. We all learn from our children, and your daughter appears to be teaching you how to stand by your convic- tions. Once you implement this new tech- nique, the 'hammering' will stop, and your daughter's requests will turn into conversa- tions, which each of you feeling comfortable expressing your own points of view. Harasses Mom