Fredericksburg Parent

10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • December 2022 ask mom Feels Sick About it, ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child- rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Erika). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@gmail.com WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND ERIKA GUERRERO HELICOPTER MOM Illustration by Suzanne Johnson M A RY THE PROBLEM: I'm looking for help with the anxiety I have about my children. I have two, ages 5 and 9, and when I recently read an article about being a 'helicopter mom,' I felt sick. I check all the boxes. I can't stop telling my kids what to do so they can get an advantage (e.g., talk to your teachers after school so they like you), I'm constantly warning them to avoid anything that has risk involved, and I feel uncomfortable if I don't know what their homework is every day. (I always check to make sure they do it, even if I have to push, prod, and—I'm ashamed to admit it—do some of it for them.) These are just examples, but my husband will tell you, it's con- stant. The only time I don't feel slightly on edge is when I hear good news about one of my kids. I know it's Unhealthy, but how do I get out of it? MARY SAYS: While you may think your children are the root cause of your anxiety, they're not. Most likely, you had these tendencies long before you had children, but throw in a couple of kids, running a household, holding down a job—to name just a few things—and your anxiety has gotten the best of you. I'm guessing your unease has gotten worse, hasn't it, now that your children are older? You can no longer control them the way you did as toddlers, or babies in a crib, so your anxiety has run amuck, giving you nowhere to turn for relief. The good news is you've taken one giant step away from this unhealthy behavior by identifying it. No small thing, given that people often stay committed to a dysfunctional pattern for years, simply because they don't know they're doing it. I'm going to ask you to take a moment here, mom. Sit down with a cup of tea, go for a walk or draw a bath. Take some quiet time to raise your understanding of what you've discovered about yourself and make a com- mitment to change, whatever it takes. Because you must. You have two small humans who will one day become big ones, and they'll need all their faculties to navigate adult responsibilities. When you continually tell them what to do—or worse, do it for them—you're sending the message that you have no confidence in them, a belief they will quickly internalize because it comes from a reliable source—you. By hovering so closely, you're not allowing your children to grow, build skills,and become independent. Rather, your children will come to expect others to take care of their stuff for them and coddle them, long into adulthood. We've all seen what that looks like, and it isn't pretty. Childhood is ripe with opportunities to master life skills through 'doing.' Miss a homework assignment? Your grade goes down. Miss the bus? Go in late without a note. Forget your lunch? Eat when you get home. There are natural consequences for everything, and the sooner your children under- stand this, the smarter they become at making choices. Now here's a question for you. What responsibilities have you tasked your children with at home? Are they making their beds? Doing laundry? Helping with dinner and clean-up? When your children can reach the controls on the washing machine, they're old enough to do a load. If not, they can help fold, however messy it turns out. Find age-appropriate tasks for your children—hard ones—and despite the grumbling, you will notice a degree of competence emerge that you might not have seen before. Children don't mind failing, unless it's been modeled for them that failing is something to be afraid of—or anxious about. Most kids will rebuild a block tower that topples, keep trying to ride that two-wheeler despite many skinned knees, or practice pitching a ball until they can throw a strike. What children do mind is not feel- ing needed, engaged, and important, all of which are basic human desires. As a parent, it's your job to create an environment where your children are contributing to your household, becoming increasingly independent, and can do for them- selves all the things you feared they couldn't. Doesn't Know HOW TO STOP IT

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