Fredericksburg Parent

20 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • June 2022 ask mom Am I Raising a ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child- rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@gmail.com WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND KRISTI CROSSON BULLY Your son is mistreating your family as a cry for help from a young boy who doesn't know how to tell you he needs it... Illustration by Suzanne Johnson THE PROBLEM: My oldest son (11 years old) is mean to his younger brother and sister. He calls each of them a derogatory nickname and constantly makes fun of them. He even shoves them a little when he walks by them, and it breaks my heart to see the two younger ones cut a wide swathe when they pass him in the hall or on the stairs. I am really scared about this. I don't know where he learned that this kind of behavior was OK, but now that he's older (and bigger), it's gotten even worse. My husband gets angry and yells at him, but I try and ask him nicely to be kinder. I'm worried about him. He seems so angry and spends a lot of time in his room, alone. While everyone in your household sounds as though they're walking on eggshells around your son, I would suggest that he is the one who is the most unhappy about it. His behavior could possibly point to depression or something else that needs a professional attention. Please seek counseling for this situation immediately. Families are notorious for settling into patterns, and your family appears to be stuck in one that you don't know how to get out of. Everyone in your household is intimidated by your son's behavior, including your husband, who is responding to his son with anger out of fear—fear for his other children, fear for the wellbeing of the family, but most of all, fear for his angry child. I applaud you for reaching out gently to your son but ask yourself if he might need a firmer approach. Rather than asking him kindly, tell him kindly that under no uncertain terms is shouting at his sister, calling his brother names or shoving his siblings acceptable. But there's more you can do. Because of the dance your family is in, it sounds as though everyone is reacting to your son in a consistent way—avoiding him, yelling at him, or speaking to him timidly, and it's time to change the steps. When was the last time you spent time alone with your oldest son? Take him out to breakfast—just you and him—and find out what he's excited about, what's not working for him, and what scares him. Engage in a favorite activity with him that has nothing to do with correcting his behaviors—just have fun! But once or twice is not enough. Make a regular date with him so he can practice talking about his feelings rather than lash- ing out. And please encourage your husband to do the same. When someone is moody, off-putting, and hard to reach, the path of least resistance is to spend as little time as possible with them. Your son is only 11, but in a few short years, he will have the autonomy to do the same to you, putting you at risk of losing your relationship with him. Your son is mistreating your family but not because he's trying to hurt you. It's a cry for help from a young boy who doesn't know how to tell you he needs it. M A RY

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