Issue link: https://fredparent.uberflip.com/i/1469350
www.FredericksburgParent.NET 21 K RI S T I At face value, it looks like your oldest son is dealing with his own frustrations in unhealthy ways. Perhaps he's experiencing surges in hormones that are leading to more aggressive behavior and moodiness, or maybe he's the target of bullying at school. As parents, it's our responsibility to train our kids in the ways we want them to go, which includes how we want them to treat other people. Pushing and shoving young- er siblings and calling them names isn't OK, and you're right to be upset about it. However, while you mention not liking his behavior, it sounds like you and your hus- band are dealing with it in exactly the same way. With words. Your words are kind and your husband's words come out in frustration, but the truth is, you're both just using words. Kids are concrete, and they need a combination of consequences for their negative behavior and positive reinforcement when they get it right. Not only do you need to create realistic consequences when your son acts out toward his siblings, you'll want to come up with rewards when he treats them kindly as well. But before you do that, here are some ways to evaluate the environment he's in to see if there are other contributing factors to his moodiness and aggression: 1. What's in his room? Does he have his own TV? Does he have video games in there? Does he have his own phone? Technology can be a big source of behav- ioral issues in kids. It messes with their growing brains and makes them more prone to aggression. 2. What's his sleep like? Sleep disturbances are another source of behavioral issues. Think about how you feel when you don't get enough sleep. Now imag- ine you're growing, having hormone changes, and you don't get enough sleep. 3. What's his diet like? Too much sugar and simple carbohydrates, for example, can cause blood sugar highs and lows that lead to moodiness and aggression. 4. What are his consequences? While sending him to his room might seem effec- tive, it's not the best consequence if he likes it in there. 5. How often do you praise him for doing something kind for his siblings or when he plays nicely with them? Helping your son develop good relationships is your responsibility. You need to take control of the situation. It takes time, but you can help your son treat his siblings bet- ter. Here are some things you can do: • Start a conversation. Find out how your son is feeling, what's going on at school, and if there is anything impacting him emotionally. Have these check-ins regularly. • Help him learn healthy ways to manage his frustrations. It's OK to be angry or frustrated. It's not okay to hurt people or treat them unkindly. Teach him how to take a break for a few minutes if he feels frustrated. Deep breathing exercises and punching a pillow can help him blow off some steam when he needs it. • Don't be afraid to take away technology. Let him earn it back. Make it a rule in your house that technology is a privilege to be earned. When he does his schoolwork, helps out around the house, and treats his siblings kindly, he can earn time on devices. • Don't let him hide in his room. Provide space for him to be out with the fam- ily. While it's OK to give him a break for a little while, letting him hideout in his domain all day isn't healthy. Your big task right now is to help your son learn better ways to express his anger. You'll also want to reinforce his positive behavior and find appropriate consequences when he acts out. You can help your kids have great relationships with each other, but it'll take time. It sounds like you're ready and up for the task!