Fredericksburg Parent

10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • February 2022 ask mom My Son Is ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@ gmail.com WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND KRISTI CROSSON M A RY RUDE Don't let a single rude statement slide. to Me THE PROBLEM: I've gotten into this weird dynamic with my kid. The bottom line is, he's rude to me and I can't do anything about it. Even though he's only 9, he acts like he's 16. When I tell him to put something away, he'll say, "You do it." If I ask him to help me with something, he'll say, "Do I have to?" (Of course, I say, "Yes.") I'll ask him if he wants something to eat, and he'll just ignore me. Believe me, I tell him every time his behavior isn't acceptable (and why), but nothing changes. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but the way he treats me is making me feel bad about myself, even though I'm supposed to be the one in charge. Any ideas? MARY SAYS: "He's rude to me and I can't do anything about it." Yes, you can—and for both of your sakes, you must. You've tried multiple approaches that haven't worked, so may I suggest a new one for you to try? Be assured, 9-year-old children are still coachable. They want to please, even though right now, it appears your son wants to annoy, even injure you. In his way, he's trying to show you who's boss, and if you let him, he will. But he's too young to be in charge, so what exactly is going on here? While 9-year-olds still look—and for the most part act—like children, it's a big year for hor- monal activity, a precursor to what will be more visible in a few years. As you well know, hormones send conflicting messages to all of us at specific life stages (and cycles), but it can be particularly confusing for a child the age of your son. Have you ever felt 'hormonal'? Most likely, your son is feeling that way quite a bit of the time; all the more reason to address his rude- ness now. His attitude toward you will only escalate as he grows, which can have more serious repercussions. (NOTE: If this behavior has had a sudden onset or is extremely out of character for your son, please seek profes- sional help.) When your son is rude to you, call him on it. No lectures, preaching or correcting. Set the expectation that his word is his bond, and you expect him to stand by what he says. The next time you ask him to put away his sneakers, and he says, "You do it," you say something like this: YOU: "Excuse me?" HIM: "You do it." YOU: "Can you repeat that, please?" HIM: "You do it." YOU: "Come over here please and repeat that." HIM: (By now, you will notice a slight flagging in confidence.) "You do it." YOU: "Look me in the eye and say it again." HIM: (Here is where his better judgment might kick in and it ends. But let's say it doesn't.) "You do it." YOU: "Explain that to me, please. You're telling me to do what?" HIM: "Put my sneakers away." YOU: "You expect me to put your sneakers away?" HIM: "Yes." YOU: "How about if you take some time in your room and think about what you're asking me to do. When you're ready, I'm willing to lis ten to what you have to say about it." You can use this dialog in almost any scenario, but the key is to use it in every scenario. Don't let a single rude comment slide. (If nothing else, he'll get tired of how much time it takes to be rude!) Starting now, shift the responsibility of reflecting on his behavior from you to him. You can do this, mom! Besides communicating zero tolerance for rude behavior, you will model for your son how to set boundaries when people mistreat you. And this, of course, will have a positive impact on how you feel about yourself.

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