Issue link: https://fredparent.uberflip.com/i/1454379
www.FredericksburgParent.NET 11 K RI S T I Illustration by Suzanne Johnson KRISTY SAYS: I have so many unanswered ques- tions about this dynamic. How much screen time does your son get for T.V. shows, video games, apps, school, etc.? Does he behave this way toward anyone else, or just you? Does he have any devel- opmental challenges? Is there a time of day when he backtalks more? It's clear you're not in charge and your son's attitude is running the show. I'm sorry it's hitting your self- esteem, but it's important not to let it get to you. Kids like to push boundaries. Apparently, you've never set a hard boundary about talking respectfully. While you may talk to him a lot about his behavior, what do you do about meting out consequences when he crosses a boundary or offering positive reinforcement when he gets it right? Natural consequences are great for these behaviors. If he doesn't respond to you when you offer him food, don't make him anything. Sit down and eat your meal without him if you must. When he's hungry and comes around later ask- ing about it, you can say something like, "Oh, I didn't know you were hungry. When I asked you about it earlier, you ignored me. I assumed that meant you weren't hungry. You may make yourself a sandwich if you'd like something to eat. I've already cleaned up dinner." Try a different approach when it comes to chores, one that might catch him off guard. Instead of directly telling him to do something, you can say something like, "it's almost time to clean up. What would you like to do after we're done putting things away?" or "I'll work on the kitchen. Would you like to pick up your room or the living room right now?" He may come up with some retort, but it's important to be firm. I have a saying with my kids, "We are a family, and we work together." When they come at me with snarky comments or whine about clean up time, I remind them that when we work together it gets done faster, and we have more time for the things we love to do. Taking control of the situation can look something like this: "I can see you're having a tough time being respectful. Why don't you take a break in your room for 10 min- utes and read a book until you can come back with a better attitude." You could also try saying, "I love you too much to argue." I learned this when my oldest was around 4 and would sometimes yell no at me. If I asked him to clean his room or pick up his clothes, and he responded with no, I would calmly say, "I love you too much to argue." I would also repeat it over and over until he got up and begrudgingly did his chore. Another option is to institute an attitude jar. You have one jar at the start of the day filled with marbles. You have a second, empty jar. Each time your child gives you 'attitude,' you move one marble from the full jar to the empty jar. If he responds to you politely, move a marble back. (Ask him to help you by point- ing it out if you forget to notice!) Then choose a number. Let's say, if fewer than 10 marbles are in the jar at the end of the day, your son gets a reward. Maybe it's a few extra minutes of video games or a special treat. The next day, empty the attitude jar and start again. The goal is to reward him for being courteous without expecting perfection. It's important to remember that kids are on their worst behavior when they feel the safest. Think about it, he's at school all day trying to sit still, be polite, and act perfectly. But we all know that kids mess up. When he's home, he knows he's safe. It's clear you're a good mom, and with the right approach, you can bring balance back to your parent-child relationship.