Fredericksburg Parent

10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • November 2021 ask mom Is My Kid ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@ gmail.com WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND KRISTI CROSSON M A RY FAKING A fake story will fall down quickly when you start asking questions... It? Illustration by Suzanne Johnson THE PROBLEM: I'm beginning to worry about how often my son misrepresents things (he's 9). I don't mean he outright lies, but he'll have these full-blown excuses about why he can't do some- thing, and I can't tell if it's real or not. The worst is when he gets 'sick.' He gets stomachaches, headaches, earaches—anything to get out of going to school, especially when they started going back in after a year of online. He'll look miserable, but he gets a whole lot better as soon as I let him stay home. And of course, he COULD be sick, but I can't tell when it's real and when it isn't. I'm getting this with homework (teacher never assigned it), low test scores (test was stuff the teacher didn't cover), and other things. My husband gets mad at him when he starts making excus- es, but I keep finding myself trying to believe him. I'm not sure where to go from here. MARY SAYS: No two ways about it…the pandemic has been tough on our children. It sounds like your son might be acting out, possibly because he still feels weighed down by what he's had to struggle through during the past year. While your son may have demonstrated these tendencies before, please be understanding if they appear to have gotten worse in recent months. Which doesn't mean you'll want to ignore his tactics and hope they'll simply go away. They won't, especially if they work. Your husband may be onto something when he challenges your son's excuses, but perhaps there is a kinder way to hold your son accountable, rather than resorting to anger. Although you say you are having difficulty discerning when your son is telling the truth, perhaps you are purposefully not trying hard enough. Many parents are giving their children extra lee- way to ease the stress their children have been under. (Sounds like a good idea to me!) That said, it's okay to reset some of those old, pre-pandemic expectations, since many locales are opening up, and a lot of children are able to spend time with friends again. Life bounces back to 'normal' quickly for kids when their environment once again feels safe. When your son presents you with an excuse or an ailment, ask for specifics. Let him tell you the WHOLE story, every detail. A fake story will fall down quickly when you start asking ques- tions; kids have a tough time holding a consistent thread when left to their imaginations. If he 'never got the homework assign- ment,' tell him to fetch his assignment book and show you. If 'the teacher didn't cover a test topic,' have him sit beside you while you write an email to said teacher, asking for clari- fication. A stomachache that requires him to stay home? What does it feel like? When did it start? How bad does it hurt, on a scale of 1-10? If he's convincing enough, it's either a day in bed (no video games) or a day in school. Which does he choose? In other words, hold him accountable for what he tells you. Express to him that you've had doubts about his honesty lately, but you are willing to listen—and to trust. Remind him that his words are powerful, and that you expect him to stand behind what he says. If he's having trouble facing up to his responsibilities, you're there to help, not to condemn. Once he knows you're on his side, he will more likely share what's really on his mind. Together, you can work through the issue, and with your help, he will learn to face what's bothering him rather than hide behind excuses.

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