Fredericksburg Parent

10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • August 2021 ask mom Am I Raising a ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you›re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn›t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyour- question@gmail.com WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND KRISTI CROSSON M A R Y NARCISSIST? MARY SAYS: Many therapists agree that 6 years of age is too young for a child to actually be a narcissist. In fact, a certain amount of egocentricity is healthy at this age; children need to figure out who they are and how they fit in. As parents, it's our job to guide our innately self-centered children into grownups who naturally feel compassion and empathy toward others. You're doing the right thing by addressing these issues now, rather than waiting until your daughter is a tween or a teen when she could conceivably cause more harm to others. From what you describe, it sounds as though your daugh- ter may struggle with some serious issues. Does she act like she's better than other children? Does she feel entitled to get whatever she wants? Does she expect excessive praise, regardless of her performance? Is she often jealous? Does she lack the ability to imagine what others might be feeling? If your answer to any of these questions is 'yes,' your daughter (and your family) may be in for a bumpy road ahead, and change will only happen if you go first. Often, when a child shows disturbing characteristics such as these, he or she has managed to take control over the parent-child relationship. Whether your child was simply born headstrong (and you're not), or she's learned these behaviors from somebody else (not necessarily you), she's figured out how to manipulate you. For whatever reason, she is getting away with behaviors that are not accept- able, and she is behaving like this with permission. It's time for you to step into your role as a parent and take charge. You must communicate zero-tolerance for cruel behaviors that are harmful to others. Here are a few ideas on how to start: BE FIRM. When you see your child behaving unkindly toward someone else, tell her clearly and concisely that you insist she be sensitive to other people's feelings, not just her own. Perhaps you've told her this already, but then what happened? It's not enough to simply point it out. For example, if she won't allow another child to join a game, pull her aside and ask her how she would feel if someone excluded her. Then ask her what she should do about it. An apology is in order, and an invita- tion to play should follow. If your daughter can't (or doesn't want to) see this, it's time for her to go home so she can reflect on it some more. In an ideal world, your daughter will realize what she has done, or at the very least, quietly go home with you. It's more likely, however, that she will become angry and defensive, blaming you, the other child, any- thing rather than taking responsibility for what she's done. Here's where you need to be strong. (I imagine this is the point where your previous efforts have come unglued.) Refuse to engage in her argument. Repeat your directive, regardless of how many times she comes back with a new defense. The responsibility is hers to be kind to everyone, period. Repeat, repeat, repeat, and don't get sucked into an unhealthy back-and-forth. DON'T OVER-PRAISE. Parents often lavish excessive praise on their children in the mistaken belief that lots of praise builds high self-esteem. It doesn't. Rather, too much praise creates an individual who seeks affirmation from external sources, which puts someone's self-worth at the mercy of other people's opinions. We've all known (or read about) narcissistic adults who spend every waking moment making sure other people are thinking about them, talking about them and admiring them. What a tiresome way to live! If you praise your daughter for every little thing she does, please stop! A parent's praise serves one true purpose, and that is to be a role model for when and how children should eventually praise themselves—realistically, with honest feedback, and with love. Over-praising will create grandiosity in your daughter, which becomes even more insidious (and MUCH harder to let go of) when she takes over for you and starts doing it on her own. After all, you don't want your daughter to be the 'mean girl.' Always remember, you are the parent. THE PROBLEM: I have recently learned that one of my friends is a narcissist (as diagnosed by a clinician), so I have been doing a lot of reading about the disorder. I am discovering that my daughter demonstrates some characteristics of narcissism, like being unkind to other kids, talking about herself all the time, and not appearing to feel remorse when she does something wrong. One example of how mean she can be is that she didn't want to invite a little boy in her class to her birthday party because he 'smells funny.' I made her invite him anyway, but I don't think the boy had a good time since my daughter managed to show her displeasure by hardly talking to him at all. She's only 6, but if she has narcis- sistic tendencies, I want to get on it right away.

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