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www.FredericksburgParent.NET 11 K R I S T I And make it a point to tell your child something about yourself—every day—to help your child develop curiosity and interest in others. With a focused effort, you can reverse the behaviors you are observing in your daughter. At first, she might feel like she's fallen from her throne and can't do anything right. But over time, she will get it. Your challenge will be patience; it's important you execute your new plan with caring and love, not anger and disappointment. More than anything else, your overly self-centered child needs to know you love her unconditionally, and that no matter what she does, you will always be there for her. M A R Y BALANCE HER RELATIONSHIPS. How many chores is your daughter expected to do? How often does she ask about YOUR day? Is she expected to help her siblings (if she has any), or feed, water, and walk a dog? In too many families, the singular answers to each of these are none, never, and no. In an overly child-centric home, the children are rock stars, and everybody else is there to admire them. While that may sound like a drag for 'everybody else,' it's much worse for the child. Children need to be needed. (Who doesn't?) They want to learn how to diaper a baby sister, teach the family dog to do tricks, set the table. Don't mistake "Aww, Mom, do I have to?" for not really wanting to. This is what we all say (even to ourselves) when we must interrupt what we're doing to do something else. Self-sufficient young children are a joy to behold. They pack their own lunches, manage their own homework, even do their own laundry when they're tall enough to reach. They grow into independent bigger children who see themselves as con- tributing members of a class, a sports team, a community. When I use this tactic, it helps my children develop an understand- ing of the power of words. I don't expect my children to be friends with everyone, but I encourage them to be kind. At school, children are in a bubble. They only experience life with the same group of kids, day in and day out. If you want to help your daughter develop compassion, expand her world. Take her to parks in other parts of town. Give her opportunities to connect with new kids. Let her experience what it's like to be an "outsider." Get her involved in activities that require her to interact with a diverse group of peers, like a sport where kids need to work together. Maybe she could volunteer to read to shelter pets or participate in a food drive for the hungry. These types of activities will help her see a world beyond herself so she can develop a compassionate heart. Let there be consequences when she is unkind and reward her with praise when you observe her being kind or helpful to others. For the birthday situa- tion, you, unfortunately, set her up by forcing her to invite the boy she didn't like. She was still around the same peers, and you added him to the mix, hoping she'd be kind. It sounds like she did a pretty good job given the cir- cumstance. She may have ignored him, but it doesn't sound like she purpose- fully tormented him or teased him, either. She deserves praise for that. It's a good step, one that can grow into some- thing more. One way to help correct her behavior is to have her practice apologizing. Even if she doesn't "feel" remorse, she can still learn to do the right thing. You could have her say something like, "I'm sorry I called you smelly. It wasn't kind." Even if she only practices with you, it's a way to help her verbalize what she did. Eventually, you can have her go a step further and actually say it to the person she hurt. I always have my kids apologize to someone when they've done or said something hurtful. When they were little, they didn't necessarily "feel bad," and they were reluctant to do it. But I've noticed as they've grown older, the "feeling" of remorse is starting to follow the words. Continue looking for the good in your daughter and don't label her just yet. She's still a child and has a lot of time to learn and grow. KRISTI SAYS: Let's be real here, all children have "narcissistic tendencies." They only think of them- selves, they say rude things, they have no con- cept of personal space, and they think the world revolves around them. Like you said, your daugh- ter is only 6 years old. I would be slow to label her a narcissist and would instead look for ways to help her develop a healthy view of herself and to exhibit more compassion as she grows. It may reflect how peers have treated her, or it may protect her from being bullied. (By joining in on the bullying, she doesn't become their target.) Kids don't always realize the impact their words have on other children. As parents, it's our job to teach them. One thing I like to do with my kids when they use mean words is to turn it back on them momentarily. I find it helps them to under- stand that what they say matters. I might ask, "How would you feel if someone called you smelly? What if they said you were the stinkiest creature to ever walk the earth, and no one should play with you because or they'll stink, too?" I may also ask something like, "Now how does it feel when people say you are a good friend, and they can't wait to play with you? What if they said you were the coolest kid, that everyone should want to hang out with you?" Then I'll follow up with something like, "One of these statements feels good to hear, and the other doesn't. Which one feels good? Which one doesn't? How does it make you feel? How can you use kind words with your classmates instead of unkind ones?" Isolating others and being mean can be a cover for your daughter's own insecurities.