Fredericksburg Parent

10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • July 2021 ask mom Mom Loves ONE CHILD More Than the OTHER ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you›re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn›t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyour- question@gmail.com WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND KRISTI CROSSON M A R Y THE PROBLEM: My daughter, who is now 8, was so easy I couldn't wait to have another. As a baby, she had a smile for everyone. She's the kind of kid who will busy herself with a coloring book in a restaurant, and she hardly ever puts up a fuss when I ask her to do something. But then, a year-and-a-half after she was born, we had Adam, who was unhappy from the beginning. He screamed a lot for the fi rst two years, and still fi ghts with me on EVERYTHING, even though he's seven, old enough to know better. The problem is, I've fi nally admitted to myself that I love my daughter more than my son, which is about the worst thing I could do for both of them. I feel so ashamed, like I'm a terrible mother. Shouldn't I love them both the same? MARY SAYS: Ahhhh, the blessing and the curse of an easy fi rstborn. When new parents have the kind of baby who coos at strangers, sleeps through the night, and naps on long trips, it's temp ng for the happy couple to believe they're pre y good at this 'paren ng' thing. It might even p into judgy, especially when their friends pop out a screamer: "Just pat him on the back and he'll go right back to sleep," you say, or "Try a pacifi er, that worked like a charm for us." Unwi ngly, these two think they're the ones who created such a model human being. And to a degree, they have. But then along comes baby number two, an alien who drops into your otherwise happy home. This one takes charge from the get-go, and you're never quite sure how to please your new boss. What complicates the situa on is that children o en have personali es similar to one parent or the other. I am guessing your daughter's temperament is like your own, which is why it's been so easy to engage with her. Adam, however, sounds like he has a diff erent personality type, one that may even re- mind you of someone you were never too crazy about. (Mom? Dad? Aunt Lil?) But they are both yours, which is why you are concerned about your feelings toward Adam. For starters, let's talk about the word 'love.' Love can't be di- vided or split in two, it can't be measured. Be assured, you have plenty of love inside of you for both of your children and all the other children in the world. Love is whole and complete, impos- sible to 'parcel out' to one more than another. When you conclude you love your son more than your daughter, it's more likely that Adam is triggering something inside of YOU you don't like. Or that you're triggered by. Or ashamed of. And for Adam's sake, it's important you fi gure out what that 'something' is. Using pen and paper, write down everything about Adam that drives you crazy. (Something about wri ng by hand helps to reveal the truths we are trying to get to.) For example: • Adam is impulsive. • Adam is loud. • Adam won't listen. Now it's me for refl ec on, pen s ll in hand. Was there ever a me you were scolded or shamed for ac ng out? Talking too loudly? Maybe your teachers complained that you never listened, talked too much, or couldn't follow direc ons. Maybe the opposite was true, and you NEVER spoke up. Early on, perhaps Mom or Dad convinced you that what you had to say wasn't worth hearing, and now you have this child who says whatever is on his mind as loud as he can. Try and recall when the original wound was infl icted, and you might understand why you react so strongly to Adam. Once you can iden fy these characteris cs in yourself, you will see your son as a gi you've been graced with to help you embrace your injured places, ones that have been hidden in shadow for too long. If you do this, the healing can begin—for yourself, and for the beau ful boy who has been placed in your care. In other words, children are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.

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