Fredericksburg Parent

www.FredericksburgParent.NET 11 K R I S T I KRISTI SAYS: The idea that we should love two people the same way only sets us up for failure. However, in paren ng, it's impor- tant to treat your children with the same amount of love and respect if you don't want to breed resentment. Children pick up on our emo ons and behaviors. They know when they aren't the favored one, and this can lead them to behave in unlovable ways. There are two separate issues at hand here, and both need to be addressed. One is how you feel, and the other is how you behave. LET'S START WITH YOUR FEELINGS. It sounds like your daughter was one of those babies that most people can only dream about. Easy, compliant, and smiley. Adam cut your me with her peaceful disposi on short, who entered the world with needs you struggled to meet. You wanted to make him happy like your daughter, but he didn't com- ply. On top of that, they were so close in age you were raising two babies together. Adam just felt hard, which can lead to disap- pointment. You've been holding onto that letdown for 7 years, and now you're admi ng to your- self you love her more. It sounds like you're throwing in the towel and giving up on what could be a beau ful mother-son rela onship. Comparing him to her and wondering why he can't be more like his sister may be what's at the crux of this issue. It sounds like you LIKE your daughter more because she complies and listens to you. It also sounds like you LIKE your son less be- cause he's harder to manage. (Liking is not the same as loving, by the way.) A few important things to understand: 1. Boys and girls are diff erent. They have diff erent temperaments, dis nct person- ali es, and diff erent needs. Boys tend to be more 'rough and tumble,' making them seem more aggressive. 2. Each child requires a unique approach to discipline. I've learned this important lesson with my three children. With two boys and one girl, I fi nd myself con nu- ing to learn and develop what works best for each of them. One responds well to a quick me out, another needs toys removed temporarily, and the third one needs me away from technology to cor- rect behavior. 3. Boys develop diff erently than girls. Adam may not be as emo onally or men- tally developed as your daughter was at his age. While you think "he should know be er," he s ll needs your con nued guidance. NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW YOU BEHAVE. Your response to your feelings is something you can control—and improve upon. Think about your recent interac ons with your son. How many of them were posi ve? How many mes did you praise him for doing the right thing? How many mes did you tell him you love him this week? How many mes did you do something special with him? Can you count the mes you hugged him or showed him aff ec on? All children need to be shown love. They also need your me and a en on. If your feelings toward your son are causing you to withhold love, then I would encourage you to work on this. If you are withholding love because your son isn't doing what you think he should, then your love toward your children is condi onal. Perhaps that was how you were raised, so it's understandable, but it sounds like you want to do be er. If you want to improve your rela onship with your son, start by trea ng him as a unique individual. He's not the same person as your daughter, and it's unfair for you to expect the same things from him. Try carving out 30 minutes each day, just for him. Go to the park and kick a ball around or do a messy art project. Read him his favorite book for the millionth me. Also, watch your words. Have you ever said: Why can't you be more like your sister? or I can't believe you did that again, or even When are you going to grow up? As parents, we say things out of frustra on, but star ng now, you'll want to be more inten onal about what you say to your son. Use your words to build him up, not tear him down. If you observe some- thing posi ve, praise him for his eff orts, no ma er how small: "I really liked how you built that tower with your blocks. It was so smart and crea ve." "I enjoyed playing at the park today. When do you want to do that again?" "You're doing a great job ge ng ready for bed. Thanks for pu ng your pajamas on so quickly." Correct his behavior, when necessary, but don't compare his behavior to his sister's. Gently correct him if he's disrespec ul, give him natural consequences when he acts up, and understand that he needs a diff erent approach than your daughter does. If you change your behaviors, your feelings will eventually follow. You'll discover one day that you don't love your daughter more, you just love your children diff erently. The truth is, they are two excep onal, beau ful human beings who need to be loved by their mother in unique ways.

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