Fredericksburg Parent

12 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • June 2021 ask mom My Daughter REPULSES ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child-rearing issues— one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you›re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn›t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@ gmail.com WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND KRISTI CROSSON M A R Y Illustration by Suzanne Johnson THE PROBLEM: My daughter is desperate for a friend—even ONE friend would do—but every time anoth- er child pays attention to her (which is rare), my daughter does something to make herself as annoying as possible, like starting these odd clinging behaviors. And by clinging, I mean following kids around and talk- ing nonsense. She might get stuck on a knock-knock joke, or a silly song, and most kids don't know how to respond. She even reverts to baby talk when the other child ignores her. I've seen this happen before, but now her (third grade) teacher is bringing it to my attention, too. What really makes me sad is that my daughter is so sweet—and loyal—and would make a wonderful friend if she could only get through the awkward stage of getting to know somebody. MARY SAYS: For whatever reason, some children are less adept at picking up on social cues, and your daughter might be one of them. While there may be other issues going on here (and I think it's important you check into that possibility), there are some behavioral techniques you can share with your daughter to help her make friends more easily. But first you need to put yourself in her shoes. While it's obvious to you that she is intentionally turning off the exact people she wants to spend time with, she most likely doesn't realize she's doing it. To her, the other kids 'speak' a language she doesn't understand, so she's made up her own set of signals to use, like: Follow that kid. Then what? She has no idea, but she knows she needs to do something. Thus, the knock-knock jokes and baby talk. So please don't point out to your child how she is bothering the other children. Right now, these annoying behaviors are all she has. Instead of encouraging her to give them up, offer her some more powerful tools and explain to her how much better they work. Open your conversation with what she truly wants. Ask her how she feels about mak- ing a special friend, and if she'd like to come up with some ideas about how to do it. Describe in detail why she would make a wonderful friend for a very lucky person. (You describe your daughter as sweet and loyal. Who could ask for more?) Then, share with her a time when you felt awkward about meeting someone new, and tell her it can happen to anybody. Next, let her in on the 'secret' to making friends that a lot of people don't know. People love when you ask them questions! Tell her it can be tempting to talk only about yourself, but people feel good when you care enough to ask about them. This may be a tricky con- cept for a third-grader, which is why she'll need to practice with you. Here are few questions to get her started: · What's your favorite color? · What do you like about school? (Or what DON'T you like about school, depending upon where your daughter is coming from.) · How has your life changed since the pandemic? · Do you have any brothers or sisters? · What's your favorite food? · What's the best book/movie you've ever read? Once your daughter has chosen a few favorites, she's ready to go deeper. She needs to learn to ask a second question about the same topic. For example, let's say her new friend tells your daughter that 'yellow' is her favorite color. A second question could be, "Do you like bananas?" To her, the other kids 'speak' a language she doesn't understand... Other Kids

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