Fredericksburg Parent

24 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • September 2020 blogger spotlight I want to share with you how we talk to girls about values. Let's start with a question many children are asked frequently. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I know when the boys were little that was often a part of conversations with friends and family. We've switched that conversation up a bit in Girl Smarts. We help our girls think about "who" they want to be vice "what" they want to be when they grow up. It is a bit of a play on words, but that's our introduction into our workshop on values-based decision mak- ing. In my next two blogs, I'll lay out some steps for you to talk to your children about this pretty useful concept. WRITTEN BY DIANNA FLETT Explain the concept of values To help your children understand values-based decision making, they first have to understand what values are and how they will play into their lives. It's a pretty big concept to consider when you are only in fourth or fifth grade, but as one girl said after our workshop, "You make this all seem so easy." What are values? Values are the internal feelings of right and wrong we use to help us make a choice or decision we can be comfortable with. They help guide us to action. By age 5, most children have developed a sense of right and wrong largely based on what they've learned from their families. That sense becomes their inner voice. We help them understand that their inner voice is often the basis of their values system. The girls initially confuse things of value, their iPhones or iPads, with the type of internal val- ues we want them to consider. We ask them if they remember doing something they knew was wrong and feeling uncomfortable. They always do. If they feel uncomfortable with something, we explain it is often because they are going against their values system. I remember being with my father when I was a young girl. I was probably 5 years old. We went into a store in Bluefield, Virginia, and he tried to buy me a gum ball. Twice the machines took his penny and didn't return the promised treat. I was quite sad because I thought it was so indulgent to pay a penny and get a sweet from a machine. I remember I had on a green shift dress with a red, apple-shaped pocket. While we were in line to pay for our few groceries, I slipped a piece of bazooka gum into my pocket and we left the store. I justified stealing by thinking that daddy had paid for the gum and not gotten it from the machines. In the car, my dad saw me chewing gum and asked how I'd gotten the treat. "I found a penny on the floor and was able to use it to buy the gum," I lied. The guilt and shame I felt from that lie and the act stealing the gum grew inside me. It went against everything my parents had taught me. Soon it felt like I was carrying around a 50-pound sack of wrongdoing. Finally, about two weeks later, I confessed to my mother that I'd stolen the piece of gum and lied to my father. I cried, and cried as I confessed, trying to get out from under that sack I was carrying around. It was crushing me. I know now my values were screaming at me to own up and, once my secret was out, I could relax back into a safer place. I look back at my youthful and relatively innocent actions of stealing and lying about the gum, and I still feel unsettled at the memory. Perhaps you have a story you can share to relate your own values misstep to your children from when you were young, it will help them understand. WHAT ARE VALUES? Values are the internal feelings of right and wrong we use to help us make a choice or decision we can be comfortable with. 4 VALUES Part 1 4

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