Fredericksburg Parent

www.FredericksburgParent.NET 23 "...focus on the problem, not the person..." COME UP WITH A PLAN. Agree on age-appropriate rules and consequences in your home. For a toddler or preschooler, you might have two or three rules like no hi ng or throwing toys, while a 5-year-old might have up to fi ve rules. "If kids know the expected behavior, then they're free to do something else, which is going to be exploring and learning, playing and engaging and feeling self-confi dent versus feel- ing mid, inward and insecure," Huff says. Establish reasonable consequences for unacceptable behav- ior, but be fl exible. For example, you might use the corner for a meout for your child, while your partner may prefer that your child sits in a me-out chair. By agreeing on a plan of ac on for common scenarios and remaining consistent with consequences, you can avoid reac- ve paren ng. TYPES OF PARENTING STYLES AUTHORITATIVE Provides structure to a child's daily rou ne, including regular bed me Establishes clear household rules and reasonable consequences Healthy, open line of communica on between parent and child Considered most eff ec ve and benefi cial paren ng style for the average child. NEGLECTFUL Doesn't support child's emo onal and/or physical needs Unaware of what is happening in child's life Leaves child alone for long periods of me Uninvolved with child's life outside of home One of the most harmful paren ng styles. Kids have trouble forming rela on- ships with others. PERMISSIVE Loving and nurturing, but not demanding Lenient to avoid confronta on with child Lack structure, unclear rules, consequences May bribe kids to do things with large rewards Kids more likely to exhibit insecurity, poor social skills, self-centeredness, lack of mo va on and disregard for authority. AUTHORITARIAN Demanding, strict and infl exible Lack of healthy dialogue between parent and child Limits child's ability to make decisions or choices Uses punishment instead of posi ve reinforcement Kids may exhibit low self-esteem, associate obedience with love, struggle in social situa ons, and may rebel when outside of parental control. Source: Developmental Psychology, Vanderbilt University MANAGE CONFLICT. Vastly diff erent approaches to paren ng can send mixed messages to your child. "Your child might start to iden fy one parent as the parent to avoid and the other parent as the parent to get what they want to out of them—or use parents against each other," Perry says. "If your goal is to both love your child and both parent them, then you can probably come to some sort of compromise." Suppose you want your child to do homework right away a er school to free up the evening for other interests. Then, your partner comes home, dismisses this rule and let's your child play before homework. A good way to address the situa on might be for you to say: "I've no ced that Johnny struggles to complete his homework if he puts it off un l later in the day. This structure in our a ernoons seems to help. I could really use your support on this." Then, give your partner an opportunity to respond without interrup ng them. "Focus on the problem, not the person and focus on the actual issue at hand in the moment, not what the parent or child did or didn't do in the last week or week before, " Perry advises. Also, use refl ec ve listening to validate what your partner says, which shows that you care about their percep on or opinion. In refl ec ve listening, you restate in a non-condescending way what you think you heard: "I think I'm hearing you say______. Is this what you mean?" "O en mes we misunderstand, and we base our next answer on an assump on of understanding," Perry says. Is it OK to fi ght in front of your child? If you can remain calm, it's healthy for kids to see their parents work out a confl ict and come to a resolu on. "If we teach children from a young age how to prop- erly deal with confl ict, that's only going to set them up for success," Winkel says. But, if you are too angry to discuss the situa on immediately, give yourselves permission to cool off before working through the issue. "Agree to walk away, but have a set, specifi c me that you are going to come back and talk about it again," Perry says. "A lot of mes people fi ght, then they cool down, but they don't ever come back and resolve what was said in the heat of the moment." Without coming to resolu ons for problems that come up in our rela onships, resentment and dis- engagement from each other can set in, poten ally harming your partnership. Need help strengthening your communica on skills with your partner or ex to resolve paren ng diff er- ences? Consult with a licensed family therapist for helpful support and strategies.

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