Hiding Messy Me...Maybe

September 20, 2012

Today we had a visit to the doctor. As I signed in at the counter, my 5 and 6-year old daughters were rearranging the waiting room, arguing loudly, and generally creating chaos (their specialty). I was trying to quiet them, dig through my purse and have a semi-intelligent conversation with the receptionist. This is my life.

My frantic search for my driver’s license proved successful, but the insurance card was nowhere to be found. No biggie…been taking 5 kids to this doctor for 10 years so they have my numbers…literally and figuratively. But when I needed to pay and couldn’t find my debit card (which has been missing for days) I just couldn’t bear to share.

Usually I reveal my faults freely but today I thought, “Why state the obvious?” I’m a mess and it is abundantly clear to all who are around me and my mayhem. My solution was to ask to write a check with no comment as to why. No questions asked…no answers given.

Thinking that maybe I had maintained some of my dignity, I sat down and smiled at the mom across the room. My daughters were still building some sort of Taj Mahal and being louder than any children should be in a small confined space, but I felt confident all was well. I was even planning my next post about hiding my flaws well…

Then the receptionist leaned out the little window and said, “Ms. Birdseye, is this yours?” It was my makeup bag. Of course. Apparently, I’m not meant to hide my flaws…I’m supposed to share, maybe even flaunt them.   Well, maybe not flaunt, I’m not really that proud of them…it’s just my life.

And, now that I think about it, maybe I should stop looking at them as flaws. They aren’t things I want to point out, but there is grace to be flawed. There is nothing to be embarrassed about just because we can’t hold this life together as well as we’d like. My perfect vision for the day never comes true…there are these little people that destroy my list righteousness. You know that list…the one that states all I’m going to accomplish and how my day is going to progress. I’m so proud of that list and especially proud of the number of things I can cross off at the end of the day. Unfortunately, very rarely…well…actually…never do I get to check everything off my list and most days only a few get crossed off. The rest…they go to the next page. That isn’t even the stuff I drop daily…the lost things…the lack of follow-thru…the forgotten appointments, piano lessons, and phone calls. Seriously…I truly am a mess. BUT I am loved by God and there is so much grace in that. I know that no matter what I do, don’t do, think or say, God loves me.

I guess what I want to share is…we all have flaws, failings and issues…some of us are just better at hiding them. I have so many that they spill out on the floor for all to see, but maybe that isn’t a bad thing! I’m praying that sharing my struggles might actually bless some overwhelmed moms who feel alone in this crazy life. We are not alone…we are a band of mothers – all messy and loved.

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