Issue link: https://fredparent.uberflip.com/i/674359
16 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • May 2016 The answer might very well be signing your kids up for separate camp activities— even if it means extra time and effort on your part to shuttle them around. "In an ideal world," says Kimberly Lemke, a Chicago-based licensed clinical psychologist specializing in children and adolescents, "you'll put them onto a summer sports team together and they'll become the best of friends. In reality, that's not how it goes. First and foremost, you need to ask yourself what each child needs." Siblings fight for all kinds of reasons, a big one of which is to assert their individu- ality. For example, says Lemke, "You might have one child who has self-esteem issues, who compares herself to her sibling and says, 'She's always better, I'm going to fail.'" This, she maintains, is a perfect example of when siblings might benefit from time spent apart. "It limits comparisons," she says, and as a result, conflict. Which in turn leads to less stress for you. Separating kids in the summertime can lead to enhanced self-esteem in more ways than one. Lemke, who is mother to 4-1/2 year old twins who are always together in school and afterschool classes—and actually like it that way—concedes that sometimes, it's better to push kids to do things away from each other. "It can be uncomfortable for them to be separated, but a little anxiety is good," she says. "It lets them practice social skills rather than parenting each other." But she also warns that sepa- rating kids who really want to be together can lead to a power struggle, between them and you. In this instance, it's important to let them know the situation is temporary—one month spent apart doing separate activities they're each good at or have expressed interest in, one month together. "This is a more manageable strategy than just forcing them to do things without each other," says Lemke. "Tell them, 'I think it's wonderful for you to want to share your time with your brother. And I also think this art class looks really cool. Let's give it a shot, then we can go back to doing something together." WRITTEN BY LELA NARGI Summertime SIBLINGS What's It Going to Take to Stop the Bickering? Got kids who squabble but don't have the time or energy to split them up? It's not always necessary. Some scuffling siblings know inherently what they like and are good at and fight for other reasons—to get your attention, for example. Remove you from the equa- tion and the squabbling becomes a non-issue. Kids like these can benefit from being signed up for the same activity. Says Lemke, "Individual players know how to engage on their own, and how to enjoy activities on their own. So when you sign them up together," they're perfectly confortable going off to their separate corners to read or talk to other kids. When group activi- ties force them together, without you around they can learn to problem-solve their own con- flicts, and this "actually helps to build their relationship," says Lemke. Siblings fight for all kinds of reasons, a big one of which is to assert their individuality. You've spent the better part of the school year taking deep, cleansing breaths as your kids nagged and picked at each other. You sipped (or guzzled) wine in a search for calm as they battled for supremacy over who would get the coveted first shower after soccer practice. You intervened gently—and sometimes not so gently—as they attempted to strangle each other on the liv- ing room floor. And now summer is almost upon you: two months in which you hope against hope for peace and quiet and tolerance. Can it be done? Do you dare to dream? And what's it going to take to get there?