Fredericksburg Parent

www.FredericksburgParent.NET 17 WHAT DOES HEALTHY COPING LOOK LIKE? Dalton refers to a well-known quote by the late Fred Rogers of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, who said, "Anything that's human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable." Those words from one of children's television's most beloved entertainers deliver impor- tant advice about how parents can model healthy coping in the household. Parents should talk openly about their emotions in age-appropriate ways, sharing stories about times that were hard, and how they overcame them. "We want to make it okay to struggle, and to talk about struggle," Dalton says. It's important to help younger children build the vocabulary to talk about emotions they are feeling. Parents can do this through "reflective listening." When a child describes an experience, a parent could say, "It sounds like you are feeling frustrated right now," or, "It seems like you are really scared right now." Over time, helping children learn to use emotional vocabulary helps them learn that emotions that can be named can more easily be tamed. "There is research that shows that just naming an emotion reduces some of its power over us," Dalton said. Building a sense of self-efficacy in children is also important. We can't guarantee chil- dren will never experience anxiety, but we can help them learn through experiences that they can be strong in situations that make them anxious, and that they can tolerate the experience of anxiety. Strong personal connections are another important protective factor promoting healthy coping in both children and adults. "Having someone outside of the nuclear family be a mentor for a teen, for instance, is a tremendous protective factor against mental health challenges," Dalton said. Connectedness can be a deceptive concept, especially in today's tech-heavy world. Dalton cautions that having lots of friends on social media networks, or having lots of other kids around amidst a hectic schedule jam-packed with programmed activities, is not equivalent to true human connection. This shows up in research demonstrating that both children and adults are experiencing unprecedented levels of loneliness. "They are in proximity to other kids, but that's not the same thing as being connected to other kids," he said. Children need time and space to develop in-person relationships with peers that are not bogged down by competition over grades, sports or popularity. Parents can help by modeling this in their own lives. Make time to invest in friendships, model asking for and offering help to friends, and communicate that personal relationships are a deserv- ing use of time, even amid a busy schedule. Relationships, emotional intelligence and the self-confidence that comes from facing anxiety head-on are essential defenses in a world that is certain to present children with situations that cause them to experience anxiety. Those defenses can help ensure anxi- ety isn't a roadblock; it's just part of the scenery. "Anxiety is a door disguised as a wall," Dalton said. "We want to move through it, not around it." For both kids and adults, facing fears head-on is the ultimate healthy coping skill KIDS CAN BE SCARED AND BRAVE In his work, Dalton treats children who avoid school to cope with feelings of anxi- ety. He calls avoidance "the lifeblood of an anxiety disorder." Only when we stop avoiding the things that make us anxious— whether that be going to school or watch- ing our child drive away at the wheel of a car—can we start to reduce the intensity of the anxiety. This means parents have to stop thinking that they are failing as a parent any time their child is struggling. "If you are seeing your kids struggling, you are getting a front-row seat to their growth," he said. "What parents often for- get is that growth and comfort are incom- patible experiences." It also means reminding children that just because something makes them scared or nervous, doesn't mean they can't do it. "Kids can be scared and brave at the same time," Dalton said. An important skill parents can build is vali- dation of their children's ability to do hard things. "We want to teach this core skill of deliv- ering statements like, 'I know this is really hard for you, AND I am 100% sure you can do it.'" he said. "We want to encour- age persistence in the presence of anxiety, not avoidance. That runs contrary to the way that everything else in our lives works. If we have a pebble in our shoe, we don't handle the pain in our shoe. We take the pebble out. But when it comes to anxiety, it rebounds against us when we try to avoid it, or enable others like kids to avoid it." Sponsored Material Sponsored Material

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