Fredericksburg Parent

www.FredericksburgParent.NET 23 BE A BETTER LISTENER It's common to want to jump to offering advice or "the solution" when our children open up about struggles with us. And it's natural to experience emotions like anger and frustration when kids come to us with the consequences of poor choices they've made. "My parental instinct is going to be to respond to the behavior, when what that young person needs first and foremost is for us to be curious about the story beneath the behavior. And that is what we miss a lot of times," Cartwright said. Without excusing the behavior, parents can lay a strong foundation for a long-term trusting relationship by maintaining a calm, curious and non-judgmental tone when talking with children about their struggles. Ask questions about the days and weeks that led up to the experiences they tell you about. Help the child to uncover the story that led to the emotions they are feeling, or the negative behaviors they have engaged in. "First and foremost, let them know you're going to have this conversation in a safe space," Cartwright says. "That doesn't happen with judgment. That doesn't happen with yelling, screaming, guilting or shaming." When children repeatedly learn that they can safely share their struggles with their parents, it removes one more source of anxiety—the need to hide. It also creates a more productive environment for parents to then talk about consequences or ways to make the situation right. "Kids don't need you to come to them loaded with wise wisdom and advice. They really just need to be heard," he said. "This mental health crisis is really kids crying out, 'I just need somebody to hear me.'" Being able to talk with a trusting individ- ual about the emotions these experiences cause—even years and decades later—and the "why" behind these emotions can decrease the stress and negative health impacts they cause. For this reason, Cartwright urges parents and caregivers to prioritize building the skill of slowing down, connecting and listening without judg- ment—and to make this a regular practice in the house- hold. "Slowing down is not one of our greatest skills as Americans. A lot of our kids are just super busy and active and going going going and some of that's a good thing, but not if we don't ever slow down and say, 'Tell me what's happening in your life. What are you struggling with right now?'" he said. Without that pressure- release valve, Cartwright says, "They keep it inside and start telling themselves stories that often leave them feeling shame and guilt." Sponsored Material BUILD A CULTURE OF CONNECTION Tips for parents and caregivers from the Surgeon General's Advisory on Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, available at hhs.gov. • Model healthy social connection, including constructive conflict resolution, spending time together, staying in regular contact with extended family, friends, and neighbors, setting time aside for social- izing away from technology or social media, and participating in community events. • Help children and adolescents develop strong, safe, and stable relationships with supportive adults like grandparents, teachers, coaches, counselors, and mentors. • Encourage healthy social connection with peers by supporting individual friendships, as well as par- ticipation in structured activities such as volunteering, sports, community activities, and mentorship programs. • Be attentive to how young people spend their time online. Delay the age at which children join social media platforms and monitor and decrease screen time in favor of positive, in-person, connection building activities. • Identify and aim to reduce behaviors and experiences that may increase the risk for social disconnec- tion, including bullying and excessive or harmful social media use. • Talk to your children about social connection regularly to understand if they are struggling with lone- liness or isolation, to destigmatize talking about these feelings, and to create space for children to share their perspective and needs. • Look out for potential warning signs of loneliness and social isolation, such as increases in time spent alone, disproportionate online time, limited interactions with friends, or excessive attention-seeking behavior.

• Cover