Fredericksburg Parent

10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • November 2023 ask mom ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child-rearing issues —one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@gmail.com M A RY Toddler Has ANXIETY, Illustration by Suzanne Johnson WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND ERIKA GUERRERO THE PROBLEM: My three-year old daughter has been diagnosed with anxiety. Her doctor says he is seeing anxiety and depression show up in earlier years than ever before. Why is this? We do everything we can to make her feel safe. My husband and I tell her we love her all the time, we let her choose the things she likes (within reason), and we don't let her watch scary shows. Anytime she's upset, we try and soothe her and talk her through it, as best as one can with a three-year-old. Her anxiety shows up in temper tantrums and fearful crying, so we're constantly feeling on thin ice with her, anticipating what might upset her and trying to avoid it. She's afraid to be alone in her room, so she sleeps with us, which doesn't make for the best night's sleep for any of us. Help! MARY SAYS: From what you describe, your daughter has been put in the position of running your household, which appears to be causing her anxiety. You are encouraging her to weigh in on many of the decisions in your home—including where she sleeps— and if there is a difference of opinion, you're open to negotiation. I applaud you for respecting your daughter as an indi- vidual, but by allowing her to make so many decisions, you've removed the one safeguard that will truly give her an abiding sense of ease—knowing that somebody much older and more experienced is in charge. If you are unable to reign this in, your daughter's unhappiness will begin to dominate your environment to the point where nobody is comfortable in your home. You and your husband clearly love your daughter and want what's best for her. As adults, we demonstrate that to each other by listening, accommodating, and collaborating. But toddlers need something else. They need firm boundaries, schedules, and rules, so their Mom at WIT'S END If you are unable to reign this in, your daughter's unhappiness will begin to dominate your environment to the point wherenobodyis comfortable in your home. small world feels safe and consistent on a day-to-day basis. Only then do they feel confident enough to venture out and explore, unencumbered by the fear that something bad will happen to them and they won't know what to do. If you truly want to change this dynamic, you will need to say 'no' more often, develop routines that are non-negotiable, and stop trying to persuade your daughter to do what you feel is best for her. In other words, until she is older, make most (and sometimes all) of her decisions. As an occasional treat, let her choose an outfit or what cereal she wants for breakfast, but even then, two choices are plenty. When you create a consistent, dependable place for your daughter to experience toddlerhood, she will mature to a point where she can make age-appropriate decisions on her own.

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