Fredericksburg Parent

10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • June 2023 ask mom ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child-rearing issues —one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@gmail.com M A RY Child Is Depressed and Illustration by Suzanne Johnson WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND ERIKA GUERRERO THE PROBLEM: My child is unhappy. I've taken her to a doctor to check for depression, and she does have it— she's 8 years old. Something about that depresses me, like I'm responsible for her feeling that way. (Depression runs in my family, and I've had my own share of it.) Her therapist is not recommending medication and has offered some tools for helping my daughter change her outlook, but it makes me so sad to see her missing out on a happy childhood. It feels pretty gloomy at my house sometimes, and my husband doesn't get it since he's never dealt with depression. I wish I knew how to make a change. MARY SAYS: To the moms out there who relate to this mama's story, my heart goes out to you. We all want our children to be happy, and when they suffer like this, it's tempting to project a long, difficult life for them, through the teen years, adulthood, and into old age. "Will my child ever be happy?" you ask yourself, mostly at 3AM in yet another wakeful bout of run-away-train thinking. But take heart; children have a natural proclivity for feeling good, even when they don't. Believe it or not, a depressed child can sometimes be more optimistic and joyful than a happy adult. Which points to one thing you can do, starting now. Stop looking at your daughter's experience through your own eyes. While you may feel overwhelmed by the heaviness in your household, she may not notice it. While you have an adult understanding of what depression feels like (and indeed, it can be brutal), your daughter may not share your perspective. In other words, try not to make this about you, even though it's hard not to. Since you're the one motivated to change, start there. Practice using the tools that have recently been introduced into your household. For example, if your daughter's therapist has cau- tioned her against 'catastrophic thinking' and taught her to substitute a more helpful thought, try it. The next time you worry about what a headache might signal, tell yourself, "Come on, now, it's just a headache." When you're running late for an appointment, slow down and tell yourself, "So what if I'm late? They'll understand. It's not like anything horrible will happen." Perhaps most significantly, when you tell yourself, "My daugh- ter is missing out on a happy childhood," try changing it to, "Now wait a minute. That's pretty extreme. She sure had a good time bowling yesterday." Make it a habit to monitor your thoughts. Out loud, and in front of your daughter. Let her see she's not the only one who must show her mind who's boss. The journey through depres- sion can be a lonely one; a particularly painful symptom of the disease is that you think everybody else is happier than you. When you show your daughter that you, too, are working on your own wellbeing, she can join you in a path of self-discov- ery and feel empowered to walk by your side to a happier state of mind. Mom Feels Guilty About It

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