Issue link: https://fredparent.uberflip.com/i/1497528
www.FredericksburgParent.NET 11 K R I S T I KRISTI SAYS: I appreciate you recognize some of these behaviors as less than kind. As a mom, I know it can be difficult to admit that sometimes our own child isn't always behaving very well. Back-handed compliments can be tough to stomach as an adult, let alone recogniz- ing them when we were kids. You're right that her friends may not notice, but then again, they might. It's important to encourage our kids and help them learn how to be a good friend, which includes the words we use. I like to assume the best in kids. I like to believe that they aren't saying mean things just to be cruel. And without any evidence to the contrary, this is likely the case with your daughter. It could be that she's just being matter of fact. Maybe she did hear a rumor that the school prize was awarded to improve someone's self-esteem. She may not have realized that by saying those words, she was in effect saying that Megan didn't deserve the prize. Kids learn how to treat each other by observing behav- iors at home, at school, during after-school activities, and even from the shows and movies they watch. I remember one day my kids started telling each other to shut up. I never say that, so I asked my oldest where they heard it. He told me it was in one of his favorite cartoons, which gave me the opportunity to tell him that hearing it in a cartoon doesn't make it okay to say. The next time you hear your daughter make an unsavory remark to a friend, it's time for a heart-to-heart. You could say something like, "Hey, Megan did such a good job to earn that prize. I heard you say something to her about it. Where did you hear that they only gave the prize to someone to help their self-esteem?" Let your daughter respond, but go on to say, "You know, when your friends win a prize, it's best to simply tell them, Great job! I'm so excited for you. It shows them you care. When you say something negative about it, they might feel like they didn't deserve the award." For the situation involving Sylvie's haircut, you could say something like, "Sylvie's haircut looks really great on her. I heard you mention that she'd like it better when it grows out. Did she tell you she doesn't like it?" Let your daughter respond. Ask her what she could say instead to compliment her friend's new cut, a habit you'll want to cultivate until your daughter makes it one of her own. When opportunities arise for you to redirect your daughter's unkind words, take a gentle and in-the- moment approach. Your daughter may be experiencing harsh words from her peers and trying them out on her friends. She's at an age where peer pressure starts to get more intense, which makes it harder to say and do the right things. Keep encouraging her, call her out on her negative behavior, and give her grace. With enough love and reminders from you, her matter-of-fact comments can be more carefully chosen and delivered in a more thoughtful way.