Fredericksburg Parent

10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • November 2022 THE PROBLEM: Whenever I say anything to my 11-year-old daugh- ter, she either ignores me or rolls her eyes. I would never have done this to my mother, especially when I was that young, and I'm astounded my daughter is doing it to me. She resists practically everything I say, even if it's obviously true. I hardly dare share an opinion with her, for fear of getting one of her looks. It's bad enough at home, but it gets pretty embarrassing in front of other moms, my friends and people I don't even know. I'm sad to say this, but my own feelings of self-worth are low, mostly because of how my daughter treats me. Any ideas would be appreciated. ask mom Daughter's ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child- rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Erika). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@gmail.com WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND ERIKA GUERRERO RUDENESS M A RY Gives Mom Low SELF-ESTEEM MARY SAYS: We seem to be experiencing an alarming trend where parents want to be 'friends' with their children. While there is nothing inherently wrong with this, it's only OK if being the parent is your No. 1 priority. For whatever reason, your daughter is treating you like a peer, one she doesn't like. And as difficult as this may be to hear, she's treating you this way because you're letting her. While a peer may retreat in the face of your daughter's bullying behaviors, as her parent, you need to stand up to them. Here are a few questions for you to consider: 1. When your daughter gives you a nasty look or refuses to respond to you, do you ignore it? 2. When she argues with you, are you constantly defending yourself? 3. When she asks you for something, do you ever say 'yes' to avoid a battle? 4. Do you find yourself going out of your way to make things easy for her to avoid conflict? Keep the conversation short, direct and clear. Then, stick to it. For example, to revisit the questions above, consider the following: 1. When your daughter gives you a nasty look—or ignores you com- pletely, no matter where you are, she needs a timeout. This can include sitting in the car, going to her room (no electronics) or sim- ply stopping what she's doing to give her behavior some thought. 2. When she argues with you in a belligerent manner, tell her you'll listen when she can speak to you in a mature way. Until then, the subject is off limits. 3. When she asks you for something, tell her you'll think about it. Take time to reflect on how you really want to answer, then let her know. 4. Don't go out of your way to make things easy for her. If she fails to get herself out of bed in time, she's late for school. If she doesn't make her lunch, she goes hungry. Let her suffer the consequences of her own choices. If you answer 'yes' to any of these questions, you have let your strong-willed daughter take charge of your relationship. Not good for her, and as you're finding out, not good for you, either. Your ability to change this dynamic will be contingent on your willing- ness to do hard things. You will need to draw from a well you didn't know you had to set new standards—and boundaries—for this moth- er-daughter dynamic. For starters, you need to tell your daughter how you feel, and that going forward, there will be zero tolerance for her rude behaviors. It might sound something like this: "I've become aware that we've fallen into an extremely harmful pat- tern of communicating with each other, and I've decided to make a change. Going forward, we will treat each other with respect, even if we disagree. When you roll your eyes at me, ignore me or act like whatever I say is nonsense, I feel dismissed and not given the respect I deserve. This won't be easy, but with practice we can change. I am committed to change, and I hope you're willing to work with me. Regardless, I will no longer allow you to treat me with disrespect." In the beginning, you will get a lot of pushback. After all, who likes change? Intimidating you is much easier for your daughter than taking responsibility for her own actions since she's been practicing for years. But it's critical that you step up and do this, mom, since your daughter is internalizing poor relationship habits that will haunt her long after she has left the nest. While this might sound harsh, you're modeling a willingness to accept abusive behaviors. One possible outcome is that she will accept the same treatment from others, and another is that she'll take on the role of abuser in her other relationships, too. If your patterns are too ingrained to change them on your own, con- sider seeking help before your daughter gets any older. But if you can set new rules—and stick to them—you will find your own self-worth no longer predicated on what your daughter, the neighbors, friends or other moms think of you. Rather, you will commend yourself for taking responsibility for your own life, which is in and of itself quite liberating.

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