Fredericksburg Parent

14 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • August 2022 ask mom My Son Doesn't Like ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child- rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Erika). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@gmail.com WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND ERIKA GUERRERO CHANGE M A RY THE PROBLEM: My 7-year-old son can't stand change. I'm not talking about moving to a new school; it's more like him throwing a fit when he has to run an errand with me, leave a friend's house or even get a haircut. To everybody else, it looks like he's unhappy all the time, but he's not. He just has trouble adjusting to something new. And when he does experience bigger transitions, like getting a new teacher or a friend moves away, he becomes very fearful and hammers me with a line of questions: "Why do I need a new teacher? Is my old teacher ever coming back? What if I don't like the new teacher? What if she hates me?" Lately he's begun biting his nails until they bleed and will even go to bed in the middle of the day when he's confronted with something he's unfamiliar with. Other than that, he's fine! He's a good student and has a lot of friends. It just seems to be this one thing. MARY SAYS: Some kids are like kayaks—they bobble back into an upright position no matter what goes on around them. Others, not so much, which appears to be the case with your son. When his environment shifts—even the slightest bit—his sensitivities go on high alert, and he responds accordingly. It's important to recognize that within the scope of your son's own body/mind system, he is responding in a com- pletely normal way. One of the easiest—and quickest— ways to help your son with transitions is to educate him on how to make things easier on himself when life brings about inevitable change. Because that's what life does. It changes. Start there with your son. Talk to him about change and how it never stops. Day turns into night and night into day. In the morning it rains, and in the afternoon it snows. He's hungry after recess, then eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and he's full. Your son is doing what humans naturally gravitate toward doing—connecting one tiny shift to another and calling it one thing, like 'a day' or 'lunch,' which isn't exactly the case. Life is fluid from moment to moment, but for most of us, somebody needs to point that out. Once your son becomes aware of the micro-changes that are actually happening throughout the day, he'll be able to attach less to the larger experience he's in, thereby moving more gracefully from one moment to the next. But awareness is just the first step, so he'll need coaching on how to do that. You might at first be tempted to make it a habit to describe activities—and schedules—in advance for your son, so he can be more prepared. Unfortunately, that can back- fire, as you can't always control what comes next, which is why I would recommend a different approach. Here's where a dry-erase board comes in handy. Sit down together and do a breakdown of one of his regular activities. Ask him to tell you what happens when he gets a haircut. He'll probably say something like: "I go to the barber and sit in a chair. Then, I get my haircut, and I get a lollipop." Write down what he says in a numbered format: 1. Go to barber 2. Sit in chair 3. Get haircut 4. Get lollipop Now, help him be more specific, asking him for help with the details: 1. Get out of car 2. Walk across parking lot 3. Step onto sidewalk 4. Open door to barber shop 5. Walk into barber shop 6. Wipe feet on mat 7. Check in at counter You get the idea! Show him all the transactions required to get a haircut, but particularly the part at the end when you get back in the car, close the door, buckle up and start driving, ending up at, say, the grocery store. Make it a practice to have your son do this out loud for you dur- ing your daily activities. (People believe what they hear them- selves say.) Once he becomes adept at identifying all the moving parts in whatever he's doing, he won't experience change as such a seismic event, but rather, as one small transaction after another: a step, a bite, or a single snip of the barber's scissors.

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