Fredericksburg Parent

10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • March 2022 ask mom Afraid My Baby Will ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@ gmail.com WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND KRISTI CROSSON M A RY LIKE ME You wouldn't be able to see [the] purity in your daughter if you didn't somehow recognize it in yourself. Grow Up Illustration by Suzanne Johnson THE PROBLEM: My childhood was the kind you want to forget. (Abuse, neglect, you name it.) I've been able to escape it, and by some miracle, I married a nice guy who treats me completely diff erently. Without going into detail, I still suff er residual fears, depression and anxiety about what happened to me. It's hard to describe, but it feels like my trauma is part of who I am. A few months ago, we had a beautiful baby daughter, and I cried when I saw how pure she was. I am terrifi ed I will ruin her, and she will become just like me. I almost feel like she was born under an unlucky star to have me as a mother! I am desperate to not feel like this for my daughter's sake. Please help. MARY SAYS: You may fi nd this hard to believe, but many new mothers feel the way you do, even if they've never been through the kind of abuse you've experienced. You are embarking on a journey you've never taken before, and the roadmap isn't en rely clear. GPS? Not a chance. And this isn't just any old journey—it's a cri cal one. Raising a child is scary, full of unknowns and backed by a sure-fi re guarantee you'll make mistakes. Who wouldn't have at least a li le self-doubt? In your case, you've a ached your feelings of inadequacy to the neglect you experienced as a child. I can assure you, the moms you met in your birthing class (and the ones you're going to meet in playgroups, school ac vi es and in your neighborhood) all have their own version of why they feel insecure about how they're doing as parents. But that doesn't make how you feel any less real or what happened to you any less painful. So, let's start with what we already know about you. Even though it's common for abused children to grow into adults who seek the same, you've broken that mold by choosing a husband who respects you. And despite being raised by people who were unable to off er you a loving home, you are determined to fi gure out how to provide one for your daughter. But what I love most is how you were moved to tears by your daughter's "purity." You wouldn't be able to see that purity in your daughter if you didn't somehow recognize it in yourself. It's almost impossible for we humans to project an emo on we don't somehow experience inside. What your eyes are seeing is coming straight from your heart. It's that sweetness inside of you that will be your guide—if you let it. Do con nue to address your feelings of unworthiness (if possible, with the help of a therapist), but give yourself more me to get used to being a mom. As your rela onship with your daughter develops, your confi dence will grow. Along with the mistakes you make, you will fi nd joy, learning and a special in macy only the two of you will share. You are exactly the right person to be your daughter's mother, and she is very, very lucky to belong to you.

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