Fredericksburg Parent

10 Fredericksburg Parent and Family • December 2021 ask mom Terrified of ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today's child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we'd love to hear from you. askmomyourquestion@ gmail.com WRITTEN BY MARY FOLLIN AND KRISTI CROSSON M A RY KIDS ...encourage your daughter to find superheroes... Online? THE PROBLEM: There are some kids (boys and girls) who are picking on my daughter, mostly online. I'm physically sick about it. I know this is supposed to be about my daughter, but I don't know how to deal with the situation. It's like these otherwise decent kids have turned into one big monster. I'm terrified of them, and I'm the grownup! Needless to say, it devastated my daugh - ter. Her pain is beyond what I can describe. They've given her a code name so they can talk freely about her and act like it's not a real person. The worst part is, it all started when my daughter didn't text another girl back for a couple of days, and the girl cut her off. For this minor infrac- tion—my daughter didn't even see the text—she's now going to have scars for the rest of her life. I need some ideas, but I don't know where to turn. MARY SAYS: This is one of the toughest issues to respond to. Social media has created a virtual "Lord of the Flies" mentality where kids are in charge, and it's frightening. Seemingly 'good' kids morph into children we hardly recognize. (Given a few more years to mature, they probably wouldn't recognize themselves, either.) Hidden behind the curtain of online platforms, kids are trying to impress their peers, control someone who is more vul- nerable, or exact revenge, often with little understanding of the long-term impact on their victims—and themselves. You are clearly a caring parent who sees how lovable your daughter is. Unfortunately, at her age, it can be challenging for her to see how lovable she is. Add to that the abuse she is suffering at the hands of so-called friends, and I imagine her ability to draw on her power has been severely compromised. While there is a lot of advice online that addresses cyberbullying (helpful resources, btw, please check them out), I'm going to offer a different way to think about this. What if, in an ideal world, any of us could read something negative about ourselves online, and it didn't hurt? What if we were immune to external judgments and created a habit of looking inside to determine how we felt about ourselves? After all, online shaming doesn't end at graduation, does it? Developing an internal sense of one's own superhero status would be a desirable character trait to develop as soon as pos- sible. Yeah, right, you might be thinking. Great idea. But how do you become your own superhero? Especially if you're at such an awkward age and your self-esteem has bottomed out? To be honest, the first step is hard. Before one can see the superhero in themselves, they must see it in all human beings, which won't be an easy thing to do, given your daughter's cur- rent life experience. This is where you come in. By engag- ing in the following exercise, you can help your daughter develop a fresh perspective on her world and the people in it. Start by encouraging your daughter to find superheroes everywhere she goes. Make it a scavenger hunt! The postwoman, the bank clerk, the kid who rings up your M&M's at a local convenient store. Tell your daughter she will find superheroes in everybody's eyes; all she has to do is look. The good news is when you do this simple exer- cise, it boomerangs. Each time your daughter looks at someone as though they were special, those eyes will look back at her in the same way—looking past the exterior, into the heart of who she really is. NO ONE can resist the pull of that kind of human response. True power comes from opening one's heart to the possibility of love wherever you go. Once your daughter gets used to seeing others in this new light, she will begin to see it in herself. Encourage her to stare in the mirror and look for the fascinating human being in there. (Try it yourself—you'll see! Start with your daughter's tormenters, which will help ease your fear of them. You don't need to do this in person— just picture it.) Your daughter's light will shine wherever she goes, but only if you shut down the computer and go somewhere. The best thing you can do for your daughter right now is encourage her to engage in real-world activities. Thankfully, groups are getting together again after our year of isolation, so there are many, many places—theater groups, camps, martial arts studios, volunteer organiza- tions—for your daughter to make the world—and herself— blindingly bright.

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