Let the Games Begin

May 31, 2013

In the spirit of sportsmanship, the YCBS sports desk has compiled your guide to some less well-known Olympic events. Catch them while you can!

Women's 50 meter dash.  Ladies sprint from the pool to the restroom carrying a newly toilet-trained toddler.  Starter horn resembles a 4 year old yelling, "Potty now!"  Demonstration event: Slalom dash. Involves alternative course with obstacles, such as retrieving toddler by charging up the dinosaur slide the wrong way, hurdle-jumping over pool lane dividers, and diversionary tactics to forestall the inevitable dearth of available stalls.

Ouchery.  Teen competitors pretend to be working on AP History homework while actually tying rubber bands into a sling to shoot sharpened pencils at a target. Rating system: Bronze (Stabbing your sister), Silver (puncturing father's ear drum) and Gold (corneal abrasion for mom).

Adolescenasana. Extended holding of mountain pose while staring at electronic screens. Separate events for Speed Texting, Social Networking, and Comedy Central.

Whatlifting? Competitor must deadlift toy box that hasn't been emptied since the high school junior was in diapers. In a related event, known as the "ambush bench press," participants nap peacefully on a couch while an 8 year old takes a running leap onto the napper's trachea.

Crayola log roll.  Participants run barefoot until a 48-count box of crayons is emptied onto the course. The runner who surfs the evil waxy sticks farthest down hallway wins.

Demonstration sport: Canine Curling.  Teammates alternate pushing unsuspecting beagle down uncarpeted stair with a pushbroom and well-placed blankets.

 

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