Nothing Like the Present

May 31, 2013

So as I plummet through my 4.5-shopping-days-left-‘til-Christmas tailspin, I’ve been spending a lot of time trawling on line. And I’ve stumbled across quite a few items that I put on my own list to Santa. One for them, one for me, right? I had to share these few that didn’t make my “nice” list.

Talk About Airing Your Dirty Laundry. Uncommon Goods has a definitely unique idea, the Love is Art kit -provides you with a large canvas and body paint.  To use before you take the leap --- or roll --- into what happens behind closed doors (at least in a household with children!) So you and your beloved get nekkid and slather on the paint. Let nature take its course. (Usually, when YCBS refers to“nature taking its course” it means some sort of scatological function but here we’re talking about something else entirely.)  So as you’re expressing your deepest love for each other, your bodies are the paintbrush. Um, so basically you’re turning your dirty sheets into a museum-quality display. My question here is: why? Other than the obvious weirdness --- of, say, watching visitors to your home try to reconcile why that giant paint blob looks suspiciously like your butt --- there are problems with this gift.  It assumes that you and the spouse have both time to get, er, reacquainted AND the energy to include a primer coat. Sounds to me like just a lot more dirty laundry.

 Eggs-actly.  I love anything for my kitchen but especially the spoonula – just like saying it. But I don’t need this weird-guy egg separator. Nope, no need to watch the whites drain from his schnozz. To quote the website, it snot a mug. Just plain gross.

 It Takes Guts…and Spleen and a Bladder. Wendy Bryan creates I Heart Guts, anatomical plush toys.  Before we all get our lady eggs in a scramble, we’re not talking “anatomically correct” as Said No Ken Doll Ever. Anatomical as in internal organs. Again, I ask why? Don’t miss out on her “glands”series. Check out this best seller. Let’s just say, you won't be "tested", but you’ll have a ball.

 To Drool For.  Jewelry --- the classic gift. Who doesn't love a little bling?  How about Chewbeads, bangles, beads and necklaces, crafted from some kind of non-toxic, plastic-y material, suitable for your baby to grab, gum and cover in spit and snot.  So in effect, I would be wearing chew toys.  Save your self the trouble and snag some plastic stackable rings and be done with it. Why not turn that old tummy time playmat into a jaunty cape? Keep that squirmy toddler busy in long lines at the airport by wearing your lime green Isotoners with sewn-in rattles. 

Ok, I must get back to my holiday panic, um, shopping. Don't be alarmed if you see me standing frozen "Edvard Munch The Scream-style" in the middle of Costco. But if you happen to run into Santa, feel free to drop a few hints on my behalf about Donut of the Month Club. 

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Nothing Like the Present

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